


I Love You (But I Don't Need Words To Say It)

by Diana_Prallon



Series: History Books Forgot About Us [30]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s01e10 The Moment of Truth, Episode: s02e08 The Sins Of The Father, Episode: s03e09 Love in the Time of Dragons, Episode: s04e11 The Hunter's Heart, Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One True Pairing, Website: Heart of Camelot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 21:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/702764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diana_Prallon/pseuds/Diana_Prallon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur and Merlin never needed words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. By Your Side

**Author's Note:**

> Those stories were written for the Heart of Camelot Valentines Challenge, on the "5 ways to say I love you" thread. I hope you enjoy it.

Arthur was a Prince, but even if he was mostly used to rule instead of being ruled, he fancied himself a rather good and obedient child. That is, until Merlin came along.

Suddenly, it wasn’t enough to make his father’s wishes: he had to do more, he had to do everything he could, even if it meant riding out when his father forbade it or trying to defend a village that he had never heard of before because it was important for Merlin.

If it was important for Merlin, it was important for Arthur.

He wasn’t a man found of silly things such as loud declarations, and he didn’t have much experience with deep conversations or showing he cared (it mostly ended up wrong, as nudging his servant with his foot, which didn’t seem to be appropriate. Who knew?). So, he showed how much he cared, who much the boy had grown on him the only way he knew how: when Merlin came to help him with his armor, he stopped him.

“Not today.”

They were equals.


	2. More Than Lies

The thing is, when your life is filled with things you can’t say, it becomes rather hard to say even the obvious. Merlin knew he spoke too much and too often, but he hardly ever said anything, and he didn’t think he needed to. 

He didn’t need to say the words, although he knew they were not only true but also obvious for anyone looking at them. He hoped his actions were enough, and it shone through his voice even while he lied and told Arthur that the Ygraine he met hadn’t been his mother. It would have been so easy – easier – not to say anything, but he couldn’t, not when he felt the way he did, not when he adored Arthur, not when he wanted to keep him safe and whole.

So he lied, and every word out of his mouth was a silent declaration of love.

He didn’t need to say it.


	3. Just a Manly Game

Sometimes it became absurdly clear to Arthur that people gave too much notice to rank and social standing. In the end, people were just people, and they all suffered from the same problems: heartache, the fear of war, the fear of famine, worrying after their loved ones… Even their problems were the same.

Still, he found it very surprising to find out that Merlin was having some problems with Gaius. In all the years since Merlin had come to live with the physician, he and the old man had never quarreled – at least not to the point of making his servant as gloomy as he was.

Generally, it was Merlin who did the counseling and who know the right thing to say. He had never been very good with it, and still, it was exactly what he needed to do now – not so long ago, Merlin had saved him from making a disastrous marriage, he owned it to him to try and help.

Of course, he couldn’t come up with anything better than “it will go away”. And Merlin, of course, didn’t agree with that either.

He just wanted to see Merlin smile, or laugh, or look anything other than apathetic and sad. Arthur had few friends, and none that wasn’t a knight, so he didn’t really foresee that punching Merlin’s arm was going to outrage him rather than cheering him up.

And, of course, Merlin behaved in a way that would get anyone else into the dungeons, and of course he retaliated, but at least it was his Merlin, his _normal_ servant, with his quick wit and banter and amusement in the corner of his eyes.

He couldn’t give Merlin what he didn’t have, but he would give him as much as he could.


	4. For Your Babies

He couldn’t deny Arthur anything – he was there to serve him, and would do so faithfully even if it meant saying half-truths or breaking his own heart.

It came easily to him, because, of course, there was some truth in his words. No one would sacrifice as much for the king and the kingdom than Gwen – except, of course, himself. But he wasn’t a possibility, it wasn’t a match that could be made.

He knew he was giving sound advice, but he wish he could just disappear – there was nothing more heartbreaking than dealing with Arthur’s pain and all the feelings it sparkled inside him. 

It didn’t matter, anyway, for Camelot needed an heir and this was something that not even all of Merlin’s magic could do.

Gwen would be a good queen, she’d make Arthur happy. He loved her, and Merlin had long learned to live with that.

He loved Arthur far too much to be completely honest, and in his gentle words that sent him even further away, he did what was best for the man he loved.


	5. In The End Of All Things

As much as part of him felt anger, disappointment and betrayal, he couldn’t completely shut Merlin out. They had lived together for a decade, they had share too many moments to count. Even if it all had been a lie…

No, it hadn’t been all a lie, for it had been true to _him_. And there was something more, as well, disguised in friendly words and tender touches, a care that showed that there had been some truth in it all.

It was hard to battle with the bitterness, but as the time went on, it became easier. What did it matter? Merlin had _always_ been there, even if he hadn’t been honest. And, of course, he made a very good case of why he had kept his secret and, in hindsight, it made sense.

Well, too many moments made sense in hindsight. Too many odd happenings, his luck, Merlin’s incredible ability to never get caught…

And he had never said a single word, often allowing others to get the credit he deserved. All he had ever craved was for Arthur’s words of good-will, and this was what made everything easier in the end. He didn’t need to hide anymore, for Merlin had laid himself bare in front of him, all his love and devotion, all his power and past had been shown.

Arthur couldn’t do any different. He was stripped from everything – not a knight, not a king, not a husband, but just a man who found strength in his end to admit that everything he was had come as a blessing through another.

It would have been easy, so easy, to pull him closer, to say it in other more obvious ways, but… No. It would cheapen it, turn his love into pure lust, and it was more than that. It was _everything_. He didn’t love Merlin because they had grown up together, closer than family on the last few years. He didn’t love Merlin because he could tell him anything and hear the truth. He didn’t love Merlin because he was beautiful, caring and honest. It was all of these parts and none of them at the same time. He loved the whole of Merlin, just as Merlin had shown he loved the whole of Arthur.

Thinking back, it seemed like a silly waste of time and a terrible amount of pride not to have made it clear earlier. How could it possibly change anything? They had been fused as tightly as if they were two sides of the same coin and nothing could change it.

Arthur was tired, too tired, to go on. He had done his share, played his part, and he felt it inside him that it was time for him to go. He had always feared that he’d die alone and unloved, like his father had, but it seemed such a silly idea now: Merlin would never leave his side.

He’d keep fighting, of course, because Merlin had never given up on him, even when he had been a complete clotpole. But it was hard, and he deserved some moments of weakness as well, and Merlin would grant them.  
Arthur could feel Merlin’s arms around him through the armor, the only source of heat in the whole cold world. He could hear his breathing, the desperation, but didn’t Merlin know they couldn’t be parted? Arthur knew he was just who he was because of Merlin’s guidance and teasing, the tough love they had shared. Nothing could change that.

It was no longer time for toughness, but for the truth and the truth it was that there was no one else he’d rather be with when his life was about to end. Merlin was one person that had never turned against him, never betrayed him, and never stopped believing in him even when Arthur himself had given up everything.

He just needed to say it all, and he hoped that Merlin could understand how much it meant, how much it was, how what they had shared was above and beyond anything ever named or ever tamed, beyond even death and the turn of time, printed in the earth around them never to fade even when men’s lives and memories ceased to exist. But there were no words that could possibly explain what he felt, what they were, or what it all meant, so, he said the only thing he could:

“Thank you.”

Even as Arthur tried to force his hand to tighten the grip, even as he tried to pull Merlin closer, even as he tried to touch his lips, he knew he’d never make it – and he also saw, in his beloved’s eyes, that he didn’t need to.

And so, Arthur slipped from life to history in Merlin’s arms.


End file.
